GODLY MAN UNGODLY FATHER
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I don't think he is acting as a godly man at all. I have children and their father is not nearly as active as he should be. He lives in the city, works three days a week. He gets them maybe once a month and only for a day then. He does not support them financially at all. Anytime I need help there is always an excuse, and yet he claims to be a man of God and goes to church every Sunday. I don't understand. It breaks my heart that he is not the father that he should be. I grew up in a household without my father and I hate the fact that I have no memories of him when I was child. I wanted so badly to break the cycle this go round with my children. So, back to my answer, no you can't be a godly man and an ungodly father... the way they act amongst others (church members, etc.) is just n image.
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My question to you is have you done anything to the father to make him not want to come around? There has got to be a reason why this man is not in his child's life more. It is so easy just to point the finger at him. What role have you played? Have you been godly towards him?
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I agree that we all have roles and that we can not point the finger. But, let me say this... Every man must take responsibilty for his own actions, so regardless to whatever the situation the man should be there for his children. To answer your question, I have treated him with nothing but kindness. I have been understanding and patient. He promises to do things and does not do them. I know men that do above and beyond for their children and their ex-wives treat them like crap and say that they are no good... so the role of the mother is irrelevant when it comes to taking responsibility for your own actions. If God only did for us based on what we were suppose to do, He wouldn't do anything for us, because we are not worthy.
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I love how people always throw in that God does things for us when we don't do what we should. If people really understood that, they would know that there are things that God DOES NOT do for us based on our behavior (meaning sin in our life) God does not just doing any and everything for us no matter how we act. Some of the promises in the Bible are even conditional. Just like a parent does things for the children like feed them, cloth them, buy them certain things, but they are not going to go out and get them a Wii (Nintendo) for example if they are getting bad grades and are being disrespectful to them.
I am not saying at all that a man should not take care of his children because of how the mother is treating him. The child needs both parents. What I am saying is when the mother out right does not let the man pick up his child and/or the man is paying his child support on time and the child is being provided for, but when the man gets a better job...the mother runs down to juvenille court to get an increase...to me that mother is triffling. Why would she try to get more money when he was providing just fine for his children at the current support. It is things like that that make fathers angry. If that mother gets an increase in pay, the court is not going to reduce the fathers child support payment, so the child support payment should not be raised if the father gets increase.
I have 3 boys. One of them lives here in Memphis and the other ones out of state. I spend time with my son that is here, I help provide for him, I pay child support and do other things outside of that. But, my other two sons I have not spent time with them because the mother won't allow me to see them because she is not getting the child support that she was getting at first. That is because I don't make the same amount of money, but she wants the same support. I still should get to see my children regardless of what I am paying in support. If I stop paying support, I can't tell the court, "she is not letting me see my children." They are going to hit me with back due support and say "tough." That is wrong!
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Here is an example about God will not do certain things based on behavior. It says in 1 Peter 3 that if a husband is not treating his wife right then his prayers will be hindered. To me that means that if a husband does not treat his wife like God says he should treat her, then God is not going to answer his prayers. Now I don't think that it means God won't do anything for him, his wife, or the marriage. But, that marriage will be held from God's best because of the husband to treating his wife right. God is not going to go against His Word. So, I believe sometimes, we as people base our behavior on what someone does or does not do. It is human nature. Is is right? No. Does it happen? Yes. Just like you said, there are ex-wives who treat there ex-husbands terrible, but they still are in their children life and provide. There are some ex-wives who don't allow the ex-husband to see their children because they have moved on with someone else.
All I am saying is that the whole blame should not be on us fathers when we are not present in our childrens lives. People say fathers are not in their children's lives because they still want the mother and she has moved on. Some mothers do the same thing. But, that is not talked about as much. There are mothers who hold on to the past of how the father was, and let that dictate how they act in the present.
The bottom line is both mothers and fathers need to understand that both parents are needed. Personal feelings on EITHER side should not come into play when it comes to the parents being a part of their childs life.
I admit in the past, I was immature as a father and did hold on to anger about things my ex-wife did. I did not step up as a man and be a father to my children because I did not want to see her. That was wrong because my children needed me. I was hurting them by not being a father. I allowed my pain and her treatment of me to dicate my relationship with my children.
But, I have grown since then and desire to be a part of my son's life. If it was really about the children, my ex-wife would allow me to see my children and not hold the past over my head. She made some mistakes too, but because she has custody of our children, her relationship with our children is not being affected. Now my 9 and 7 year old children don't know what their mother is doing, they only see that I am not in their life. That hurts real bad because I really miss them and want to be in their life. So again, before people call a father triffling and ungodly...know the whole story.
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I understand exactly what you are saying, and I am sorry for everything you are going through. And seeing as though you have been through a lot with your situation, you are to a certain degree defending men, and that is good, because like you said, the blame should not always be put on the man. But, I was not speaking in general. I was speaking about my own personal situation. The father of my children works a job, is not on child support, lives in the same city, has the ability to see the children whenever he wants. So, in my case, I will put ALL of the blame on him. And yet and still, even if I didn't allow him to see them or he were on child support and I went down for an increase, does that mean he should step back? Men need to learn how to take responsibilities for their actions. When I say men, I mean everybody. With every situation that presents itself, we have a choice to make. The father can go to Juvenile Court just like we (women) do and request for visitation. I hate to sound mean, but when it comes to children, most men (definitely not all) will come up with every excuse in the book. I remember the comedian Chris Rock... during his stand up act, talked about men bragging about taking care of their kids, and he said that was the dumbest thing he ahd ever heard. Why would you brag about some stuff that you are suppose to do. LOL!
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Church serving does not denote saved. If he is following the Lord, he would known by prayer, bible study, or true accountability the will of God in ruling (tending) to your house. The wife needs her husband and the kids needs their father. Please know, God created the Family. Family means "Father's house". The father needs to be present. Without his presence or his execution of his role, the family is dysfunctional. The Church is made up of "families". You can't tend to God's house overlooking your own house.
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I agree with both prior comments. PRIDE, selfishness, self-centeredness, etc. are all part of whether a guy is going to "man up" or not. Some use it as revenge on the female if she left the relationship. None of these traits listed are Christlike! But women do not see it in their men until AFTER the children come into the world. We need to pay attention to some of these men who "have to be right all the time" or "has to have his way all the time" and "no one is going to tell me about my house". If we as women take the responsibility of making different choices in (husbands), then the madness will turnaround. Besides, your husband cannot have a baby by himself!!!
We see it in churches all the time where the man is a Deacon or Minister and does not support his children nor see them on a regular basis. Some cannot get past their anger or animosity towards their ex for the bigger picture, which of course is their children. These traits are not Christlike either. It's one thing I always say to myself and that is "never allow another person to control how you feel".
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I think it is so interesting that when a man is not in his child's life, he is always the blame. Not enough emphasis is put on the women who go down to court and want more child support, but don't want to allow the man to see his child. My son's mother wants my money, but wants to control when I see my children. Yeah, I know people will say well go to court. I went to court and anyone knows that when juvenille court is backed up in cases. So, in the meantime I am losing time with my kids because my ex-wife has custody. And she lives in ATL by the way, so the paper work that was done when our divorce was final is not being followed by her at all.
Now I admit I have had a hard time keeping up with my child support payments because I don't get paid the same amount as I did when our divorce was final. But, my son's mother wants the same support even though I don't make the same money. I make less. So, now I will have to pay back due child support, but there will be no "back due visitation" that I am owed for this time that I am missing.
I saw all of this to say before ANY tries to say whether a man is godly or ungodly father...you better know the ENTIRE story. Don't just look at the man not being involved. The mother could be playing a role in that. Every man that is not in his child's life is not triffling and ungodly. There are two sides to every story. I feel the man should continue to pray, go to church, and do whatever else. He does not owe anyone an explanation as to why he is not in his child's life. That is between him, the child's mother and God.
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I am a woman. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am the one that wrote the first comment above about how he does nothing and claims to be a man of God, etc. We too got divorced, and we got joint custody, where we would have the kids equal time. He has not so much as gotten them 1/4 of the time. He does not help me support them financially and it is unfair. I have been trying to be understanding since he is between jobs, and I have tried to tell him just try and give and do something, that is better than nothing. So, in my case, he is trifling.
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I commend you for trying to work with your child's father. There needs to be more mother's out there like you. The father might not be able to pay the full amount of support that the court ordered because of his financial situation. But, he may be able to buy shoes, clothes, pampers, make some day care payments, pay some co pays for doctor visits etc... I think a mother should let the father help where he is able and not just say if he can't pay the full court order then he can't see the child. I believe if a man is in position to provide and do for this child and spend time, but does not do it that is wrong. He son/daughter needs him and ultimately the child suffers when he is not present.
I do think though if a mother treats a father in a negative way...can we say that she is ungodly and not a woman of God? If we are going to say it about men, we have to say it about women too. A godly woman would never keep a man from his child. A godly woman would not run down to juvenille court just because a father gets an increase in pay if he is providing for his child with the current support. A godly woman would not hold the past over a fathers head if he has a change of heart and wants to be a part of his child's life. A godly woman would understand that when a mother and a father are at peace, she is showing love to her child because it makes a smoother situation between her and the father and her child benefits from that.
The last thing I will say is this...The Bible says, "It is God's lovingkindness that draws men to repentance." I believe it is in Romans. So, calling a man triffiling or ungodly is not going to motivate him to change and become a part of his child's life. Nor will calling a woman triffling make her change. Showing love and being understanding even when it hurts draws people in. It is not easy and I have had to do many time and my other son's mother has had to do it with me. It is just like telling people they are going to go to hell by not accepting Jesus will not draw them in as quick as showing love and being a friend to them. They might accept Jesus...when they are shown how He really is by us.
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Very well put. I totally agree with that. I don't know why we think that when we talk bad it is going to motivate them to do anything, if anything it pushes them further away.
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