11/11/2009 6:32 AM
Anonymous wrote:
WOW!!! Where do I start? I have been in an abusive relationship before. Whether or not it happens two times or twenty, it is not healthy for anyone to be in that type of a relationship. I dated a man for three years before I married him and during those three years he never hit me, but he was verbally abusive. I also knew that his temper was out of control. His brother (they both had the same father) was very abusive to his wife. These could have been warning signs for me. But, I married him anyway. After the first 4 months of my marriage, the physical abuse started. I was pushed down in the closet, months later I was dragged in a room, next, I was hit across the face, and the last thing that did it for me, I was dragged down some stairs and was being choked. I am saying all of this because I want women/men to know that this is by no means acceptable and their are warning signs. Pay attention to them. Some men can not control their temper, and they can go to far. For the record I am now divorced. Reply to this
11/11/2009 10:28 AM
Anonymous wrote:
First off, I think that is is a HUGE double standard when it comes to physical abuse in relationships. If a woman hits a man...it is "what did the man do to get that women to the point where she hit him. If a man hits a woman, he is a punk, weak, out of control, has a temper problem. I don't feel this is right all. Both should be looked at just as bad as the other.
Also, you will have some women who say that it doesn't matter if a woman hits a man, but a man should never hit a woman because he is the man and the fact that he is stronger than the woman. This is a double standard as well. It doesn't matter that the man is stronger, women should not hit men as well. If a man defends himself, he is not being a man. If he takes it...then he could be possibly called weak by the very woman that hit him.
Tyra Banks had a show on recently that deal with women hitting men. It was a great show and I was very happy that finally someone shed some light on men getting abused and not just women. Are there warning signs, I believe sometimes they are and sometimes they are not. Everything is not signs first. Some things happen in life out of the blue. Some may disagree, but I have seen people do stuff that I never thought they would do and there were not warning signs. Some people are VERY good at hiding who they are. Reply to this
11/11/2009 10:36 AM
Anonymous wrote:
I also believe that if a woman hits a man, there is not too many people that would say that man should leave that woman. And if they married and have children, they would probably defitely say the man should stay and do what he has to do to not make his wife that angry. If he does leave, then he is a triffling man that left his wife with the children. A no win situation for the man. The man can still be a father to his children without being subject to a abusive wife.
On the flip side, you hear over and over again if a man hits a woman that woman should leave no matter what. Married or not. Children or not. Whatever the case. Another double standard in society. Also if a woman hits a man, it is not said that the woman does not love the man. But, if a man hits a woman, it is said that he does not love her.
I disagree. I believe it is possible for someone to hit another person and love them. When a parent abuses a child and goes too far, does that mean the parent does not love the child? No. It means that they went too far and they need some help. Now if it continues, then the child needs to be removed from the home, but that does not mean the parent does not love the child. It means that parent has a anger and temper problem. Same thing in relationships. People do a lot of "unloving" things in relationships. It does not mean that they don't love the person. We have to learn to separate the two "sometimes." I understand how someone can say a person doesn't love a person if they are abusive, but I am asking that we look at the points that I made as well. Understanding doesn't mean agreement. It just means you are considering both sides of a situation. Reply to this
11/11/2009 1:27 PM
Anonymous wrote:
How can we call this love when the Bible says that love is patient, caring and kind, anything outside of this is not love. People give so many different definitions of love but this is the only one that holds truth. If you go too far, you have no patience, to hit someone, is not kind or caring... I agree the person needs help, and needs to get that problem ratified, then after they have healed they may be able to love. Reply to this
11/11/2009 3:19 PM
Anonymous wrote:
I understand what you are saying. I also understand what the Bible says as well. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been in a relationship where you have been impatient, uncaring, or unkind? Have you ever said something out of anger to someone that you said you loved? Have you ever been impatient with someone that you said you loved? I can safely assume that you have and since this is so, does that mean you did not love that person or did you have a bad moment?
Now I know people will say how can I compare hitting someone with saying something uncaring or being impatient. Let me say that there is NOT comparison to hitting someone and saying something uncaring. But, to say that a person does not love a person that they hit in my opinion is not a true statement. Just like if you say something out of anger to someone it does not mean you don't love them.
Let me say it this way. Jesus says, "If you love me, you will obey my commands." We all have at some point in our lives not obeyed the commandments of Jesus. Does that mean we don't love Him? No it does not. It means we did something that was wrong, and we repent and try to do better next time with His help.
Also a person in my opinion can't be called impatient person just because they did "an" impatient act. If a person does an impatient act, you could say they were impatient at that time. A person who continues to be impatient can be called an impatient person. Reply to this
11/11/2009 6:47 PM
Anonymous wrote:
Very good points... let me address them. First and foremost the commandments were not put in place as something for us to live by, they were put in place to show us just how wrong we were. Also, when we do things that God is not pleased with over and over it has become a lifestyle. When we make mistakes and come into agreement with God that we are wrong, we are still on the right track, we are trying to reach perfection. Same deal with an abusive spouse; If a man/woman hits their spouse and they know they were wrong, the person and spouse have come to an agreement that it is wrong, then at that point the person can begin to get help or what have you. But, for someone to hit their spouse repeatedly, and think that there is nothing wrong with their actons or finds some way to justify them, they are not operating in love. The question is, is it a mistake, or is it their lifestyle. If abuse is the norm, that is not love. We can not twist the definition of love. It clearly states that love is patient, caring and kind. I have been in a relationship before where i really loved. I was patient, caring and kind and a whole lot more. We all have moments and situations that test our love. But the question remains is it a mistake or a lifestyle? Reply to this
11/11/2009 10:04 PM
Anonymous wrote:
You have some very good points as well. Let me address yours. What I was saying is that if a person hits another person, that does not mean that they don't love them. I do agree with you that IF this is repeated behavior, then that person is not acting loving toward that person at all. I believe we are saying the same thing as far as what love is. But, I just don't agree that if a person hits someone that means they don't love them.
I have heard people say like I mentioned if someone hits a person "one" time, that person doesn't love them. I don't agree with that. I also agree with you that if it is a lifestyle that is totally different than a mistake. Although a lot of people would not call hitting someone a mistake.
Also, to me is doesn't matter what the reason is that the commandments were put in place. We still are held accountable to them to be obeyed. Stealing, taking the Lord's name in vain, lying etc...are all things that Paul writes about not to do in his letters to the churches. So, when the commandments or why they were put into place is beside the point. The point is that when Jesus said if you love me you will obey my commands, just because we don't obey (make mistakes) doesn't mean we don't love Him. But, I do agree with you that if it is a repeated lifestyle THEN the love for Jesus can be questioned. Reply to this
11/11/2009 6:54 PM
Anonymous wrote:
P.S. The Bible also states that love is not easily angered. with that being said, someone operating in love will say what they mean and mean what they say. I know it is possible because again I have been there. I have been in a relationship where there was no arguing, there was no verbal abuse... it is possible. Again, that is love. Reply to this
11/11/2009 10:13 PM
Anonymous wrote:
I think that is is great that you have been in a relationship where there was no arguing, no verbal abuse. I don't believe most of us can say that. But, I still don't believe that because two people argue or say something out of line from time to time means they don't love each other. I believe the scripture your are quoting in 1 Corinthians 13 is not perfect meaning the person is patient all the time, kind all the time etc... We are human and we sometimes miss it. We are striving for perfection, but some of us are on different places on the path toward perfection. And since you are saying the love is patient, this should tell you that you will deal with people who will miss the mark and you should still be loving toward them.
There would be no need for God to put in his Word that love is patient if we all were going to be perfect with each other. That chapter in the Bible on love is a guide for us to go by to demonstrate love on one another. When or if we step out of that guide line, we repent and try to do better with God's help.
Again, if it is a repeated offense like abuse, it is not loving at all. I agree with you. I have repeated things in my life that were wrong, and I thank God for Jesus that He is patient with me and He is a God of another chance.
And, no I am not saying that someone should continue to get hit Man or Woman and stay. Abuse is wrong. Period. Reply to this
11/12/2009 7:02 AM
Anonymous wrote:
Very well put. I think we are for the most part on the same page. Yes, I understand that we will not be patient all the time, but again, that just shows us the areas that we need to work on, and like we both have said once you realize where you need work and you agree that it is wrong, you are on the right path. But, i will say that if you are in a relationship where the person drwas you out of your character and cause you to yell, be angry etc. it is not love. If that is not your typical behavior and when you are with that person that is who you become, it is not good for you, because that person is operating outside of love and causing you to do so.
But, I will say again there are signs. There are always signs to how a person is, whether it be the way they are with family, friends, past relationships, etc. But, we as women are so wrapped up sometimes that we think it is not like that and he is different with me. But, Christian Concepts mentioned this before... We must set ourselves up for the best situation for us, and we have a better chance for success. Not saying all will be perfect, but if we pay attention to every little detail before we make the decision to move on to marriage, we will see what tendencies a person has and save ourselves a lot of heartache and pain. Reply to this
11/17/2009 10:36 PM
Marti wrote:
I worked in the abused women shelter for some years and it is so sad to say but yes there are men who are abused physically, verbally, and mentally by women and have no recourse. There is not a shelter or safe haven for men. They are deemed a punk if they stay and take it or an abuser if they retaliate. For most abusers male or female being abusive or just punching the other around is the result of having the need to be in control..dominate. As female, my thought is if I can whip a man I don't want or need him. I desire a strong solid headship not one that is controlling. I divorced my first husband because of physical, mental and verbal abuse. My statement to him was that "If you don't love, want me anymore I can accept that. Please don't disrespect me and harm me allow me to go my way" The word says it is better to be on the roof top than to be in the house with a brawling woman. A lot of times we drive our men to leave or become the abuser that they are because of the pressure. It really boils down to respect of self first then one can understand better and project respect to the other individual. My heart goes out to my brothers and sisters who are subjected to this type of behavior and truly wish there were more alternatives for the men. Reply to this
12/3/2009 4:41 AMOnline Dater wrote:
Being in an Abusive Relationship and Dating Violently is a big no for me. Come to think of it, I'm with him because I love him, and he loves me also. We decided to be together because of that Love that we have for each other. Hurt and Physical Abuse has no part in that union sanctify and sealed by Love and Love alone, well, if it's purely love that binds you. If something unacceptable things happen between the two of you, think, maybe it was not the thing you know at first. Reply to this
WOW!!! Where do I start? I have been in an abusive relationship before. Whether or not it happens two times or twenty, it is not healthy for anyone to be in that type of a relationship. I dated a man for three years before I married him and during those three years he never hit me, but he was verbally abusive. I also knew that his temper was out of control. His brother (they both had the same father) was very abusive to his wife. These could have been warning signs for me. But, I married him anyway. After the first 4 months of my marriage, the physical abuse started. I was pushed down in the closet, months later I was dragged in a room, next, I was hit across the face, and the last thing that did it for me, I was dragged down some stairs and was being choked. I am saying all of this because I want women/men to know that this is by no means acceptable and their are warning signs. Pay attention to them. Some men can not control their temper, and they can go to far. For the record I am now divorced.
Reply to this
First off, I think that is is a HUGE double standard when it comes to physical abuse in relationships. If a woman hits a man...it is "what did the man do to get that women to the point where she hit him. If a man hits a woman, he is a punk, weak, out of control, has a temper problem. I don't feel this is right all. Both should be looked at just as bad as the other.
Also, you will have some women who say that it doesn't matter if a woman hits a man, but a man should never hit a woman because he is the man and the fact that he is stronger than the woman. This is a double standard as well. It doesn't matter that the man is stronger, women should not hit men as well. If a man defends himself, he is not being a man. If he takes it...then he could be possibly called weak by the very woman that hit him.
Tyra Banks had a show on recently that deal with women hitting men. It was a great show and I was very happy that finally someone shed some light on men getting abused and not just women. Are there warning signs, I believe sometimes they are and sometimes they are not. Everything is not signs first. Some things happen in life out of the blue. Some may disagree, but I have seen people do stuff that I never thought they would do and there were not warning signs. Some people are VERY good at hiding who they are.
Reply to this
I also believe that if a woman hits a man, there is not too many people that would say that man should leave that woman. And if they married and have children, they would probably defitely say the man should stay and do what he has to do to not make his wife that angry. If he does leave, then he is a triffling man that left his wife with the children. A no win situation for the man. The man can still be a father to his children without being subject to a abusive wife.
On the flip side, you hear over and over again if a man hits a woman that woman should leave no matter what. Married or not. Children or not. Whatever the case. Another double standard in society. Also if a woman hits a man, it is not said that the woman does not love the man. But, if a man hits a woman, it is said that he does not love her.
I disagree. I believe it is possible for someone to hit another person and love them. When a parent abuses a child and goes too far, does that mean the parent does not love the child? No. It means that they went too far and they need some help. Now if it continues, then the child needs to be removed from the home, but that does not mean the parent does not love the child. It means that parent has a anger and temper problem. Same thing in relationships. People do a lot of "unloving" things in relationships. It does not mean that they don't love the person. We have to learn to separate the two "sometimes." I understand how someone can say a person doesn't love a person if they are abusive, but I am asking that we look at the points that I made as well. Understanding doesn't mean agreement. It just means you are considering both sides of a situation.
Reply to this
How can we call this love when the Bible says that love is patient, caring and kind, anything outside of this is not love. People give so many different definitions of love but this is the only one that holds truth. If you go too far, you have no patience, to hit someone, is not kind or caring... I agree the person needs help, and needs to get that problem ratified, then after they have healed they may be able to love.
Reply to this
I understand what you are saying. I also understand what the Bible says as well. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been in a relationship where you have been impatient, uncaring, or unkind? Have you ever said something out of anger to someone that you said you loved? Have you ever been impatient with someone that you said you loved? I can safely assume that you have and since this is so, does that mean you did not love that person or did you have a bad moment?
Now I know people will say how can I compare hitting someone with saying something uncaring or being impatient. Let me say that there is NOT comparison to hitting someone and saying something uncaring. But, to say that a person does not love a person that they hit in my opinion is not a true statement. Just like if you say something out of anger to someone it does not mean you don't love them.
Let me say it this way. Jesus says, "If you love me, you will obey my commands." We all have at some point in our lives not obeyed the commandments of Jesus. Does that mean we don't love Him? No it does not. It means we did something that was wrong, and we repent and try to do better next time with His help.
Also a person in my opinion can't be called impatient person just because they did "an" impatient act. If a person does an impatient act, you could say they were impatient at that time. A person who continues to be impatient can be called an impatient person.
Reply to this
Very good points... let me address them. First and foremost the commandments were not put in place as something for us to live by, they were put in place to show us just how wrong we were. Also, when we do things that God is not pleased with over and over it has become a lifestyle. When we make mistakes and come into agreement with God that we are wrong, we are still on the right track, we are trying to reach perfection. Same deal with an abusive spouse; If a man/woman hits their spouse and they know they were wrong, the person and spouse have come to an agreement that it is wrong, then at that point the person can begin to get help or what have you. But, for someone to hit their spouse repeatedly, and think that there is nothing wrong with their actons or finds some way to justify them, they are not operating in love. The question is, is it a mistake, or is it their lifestyle. If abuse is the norm, that is not love. We can not twist the definition of love. It clearly states that love is patient, caring and kind. I have been in a relationship before where i really loved. I was patient, caring and kind and a whole lot more. We all have moments and situations that test our love. But the question remains is it a mistake or a lifestyle?
Reply to this
You have some very good points as well. Let me address yours. What I was saying is that if a person hits another person, that does not mean that they don't love them. I do agree with you that IF this is repeated behavior, then that person is not acting loving toward that person at all. I believe we are saying the same thing as far as what love is. But, I just don't agree that if a person hits someone that means they don't love them.
I have heard people say like I mentioned if someone hits a person "one" time, that person doesn't love them. I don't agree with that. I also agree with you that if it is a lifestyle that is totally different than a mistake. Although a lot of people would not call hitting someone a mistake.
Also, to me is doesn't matter what the reason is that the commandments were put in place. We still are held accountable to them to be obeyed. Stealing, taking the Lord's name in vain, lying etc...are all things that Paul writes about not to do in his letters to the churches. So, when the commandments or why they were put into place is beside the point. The point is that when Jesus said if you love me you will obey my commands, just because we don't obey (make mistakes) doesn't mean we don't love Him. But, I do agree with you that if it is a repeated lifestyle THEN the love for Jesus can be questioned.
Reply to this
P.S. The Bible also states that love is not easily angered. with that being said, someone operating in love will say what they mean and mean what they say. I know it is possible because again I have been there. I have been in a relationship where there was no arguing, there was no verbal abuse... it is possible. Again, that is love.
Reply to this
I think that is is great that you have been in a relationship where there was no arguing, no verbal abuse. I don't believe most of us can say that. But, I still don't believe that because two people argue or say something out of line from time to time means they don't love each other. I believe the scripture your are quoting in 1 Corinthians 13 is not perfect meaning the person is patient all the time, kind all the time etc... We are human and we sometimes miss it. We are striving for perfection, but some of us are on different places on the path toward perfection. And since you are saying the love is patient, this should tell you that you will deal with people who will miss the mark and you should still be loving toward them.
There would be no need for God to put in his Word that love is patient if we all were going to be perfect with each other. That chapter in the Bible on love is a guide for us to go by to demonstrate love on one another. When or if we step out of that guide line, we repent and try to do better with God's help.
Again, if it is a repeated offense like abuse, it is not loving at all. I agree with you. I have repeated things in my life that were wrong, and I thank God for Jesus that He is patient with me and He is a God of another chance.
And, no I am not saying that someone should continue to get hit Man or Woman and stay. Abuse is wrong. Period.
Reply to this
Very well put. I think we are for the most part on the same page. Yes, I understand that we will not be patient all the time, but again, that just shows us the areas that we need to work on, and like we both have said once you realize where you need work and you agree that it is wrong, you are on the right path. But, i will say that if you are in a relationship where the person drwas you out of your character and cause you to yell, be angry etc. it is not love. If that is not your typical behavior and when you are with that person that is who you become, it is not good for you, because that person is operating outside of love and causing you to do so.
But, I will say again there are signs. There are always signs to how a person is, whether it be the way they are with family, friends, past relationships, etc. But, we as women are so wrapped up sometimes that we think it is not like that and he is different with me. But, Christian Concepts mentioned this before... We must set ourselves up for the best situation for us, and we have a better chance for success. Not saying all will be perfect, but if we pay attention to every little detail before we make the decision to move on to marriage, we will see what tendencies a person has and save ourselves a lot of heartache and pain.
Reply to this
I worked in the abused women shelter for some years and it is so sad to say but yes there are men who are abused physically, verbally, and mentally by women and have no recourse. There is not a shelter or safe haven for men. They are deemed a punk if they stay and take it or an abuser if they retaliate.
For most abusers male or female being abusive or just punching the other around is the result of having the need to be in control..dominate. As female, my thought is if I can whip a man I don't want or need him. I desire a strong solid headship not one that is controlling. I divorced my first husband because of physical, mental and verbal abuse. My statement to him was that "If you don't love, want me anymore I can accept that. Please don't disrespect me and harm me allow me to go my way" The word says it is better to be on the roof top than to be in the house with a brawling woman. A lot of times we drive our men to leave or become the abuser that they are because of the pressure. It really boils down to respect of self first then one can understand better and project respect to the other individual. My heart goes out to my brothers and sisters who are subjected to this type of behavior and truly wish there were more alternatives for the men.
Reply to this
Being in an Abusive Relationship and Dating Violently is a big no for me. Come to think of it, I'm with him because I love him, and he loves me also. We decided to be together because of that Love that we have for each other. Hurt and Physical Abuse has no part in that union sanctify and sealed by Love and Love alone, well, if it's purely love that binds you. If something unacceptable things happen between the two of you, think, maybe it was not the thing you know at first.
Reply to this